the techie bible
"We hold these truths to be self-evident: That all techies are created superior."
GENESIS
In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yes, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First Day.
And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day.
And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be,
they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.
And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would not do. And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!": and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.
And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.
And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in
the first place, He would have finished sooner.
EXODUS
And lo, as the year begins, so is the Gaffa Tape delivered unto the TECHIES, who do revere and worship the Gaffa.
And, soon, does the Gaffa Tape leave the store, to be used by the TECHIES in pursuit of excellence in their techie activities, and also in various activites with fair TECHIE maidens.
And, the head TECHIES do soon become worried at the amount of Gaffa used, for while much use of Gaffa does surely lead to a higher plane of TECHIE existence, the year must be split in two: 6 months of plenty, following the delivery of Gaffa unto the TECHIES, and 6 months of famine, when the Gaffa must surely run out.
PROVERBS
Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.
Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.
When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.
Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.
Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.
Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.
Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.
Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall strike, and then party.
Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.
Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.
Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.
Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.
Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.
Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.
Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.
And above all, get not carried away with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be alike unto an airport.
THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO LUKE
It is a simple and clear message delivered unto us by Luke:
Our amps are switched off
The cans are not patched into the PA
The Masters are down
The loudspeakers are disconnected.
NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU!
theatre logic
In is down, down is front
Out is up, up is back
Off is out, on is in
Left is right, right is left.
A drop shouldn't
Block and fall does neither
A prop doesn't
And a cove has no water.
Tripping is okay
A running crew rarely gets anywhere
A purchase line buys you nothing
A trap will not catch anything
A gridiron has nothing to do with football
Strike is work (in fact, it's usually a lot of work)
And a green room, thankfully, usually isn't.
Now that you're fully versed in theatrical terms,
Break a leg. But not really.
techie v. technician
| the techie | |
the technician |
| ◊ Is highly aware of the limited budgets that restrict theatrical endeavors | |
◊ Is more concerned with the most effectively presenting the artistic concepts of the designers than in saving on costs |
| ◊ Can fix any technical element quickly, with some combination of string, gaffers' tae, and a multi-tool | |
◊ Carries a multi-tool as a badge of honor, butunderstands that the proper tools can fix an element more thoroughly, and can use those tools to do so |
| ◊ Has become well-versed in "seat of the pants" implementation | |
◊ Has learned to be able to make a plan of action to complete a projoct, and folllow through on it |
| ◊ Is the life of the party | |
◊ Sits in the back room and drinks beer |
| ◊ Is in the business because he/she loves it | |
◊ Has realized that there's more than enjoyment to be gained-- there's also money |
| ◊ Has a cooperative attitude and will pitch in for any area that needs help | |
◊ While cooperative, understands that each person on a production is hired to perform a specific task, and keeps out of the way of others to let them do their jobs, while performing their own to the fullest |
| ◊ Either possesses a BA in Theatre from a Liberal Arts college, or is a hobbyist who picked it up along the way and really enjoyed high school drama club; would attend a master's program in directing | |
◊ Has learned theatre through a series of apprenticeships and internships, or conservatory-style training, or is in neutral on the values of higher education; might attend a master's program in technical theatre, but doesn't necessarily see the value |
| ◊ Tends to get invelved in romantic relationships with others on the production | |
◊ Avoids getting involved with coworkers at all costs |
| ◊ Will use duct tape to hold things down if there is no other option | |
◊ Does not consider duct tape to be an option-- ever |
| ◊ Holds in-depth discussions about David Mamet, Stephen Sondheim, John Leguizamo, or Eve Handler | |
◊ Holds in-depth discussions about Intelligent Lighting, SAG, football, and Lara Croft |
| ◊ Sees the stage manager as the director's sidekick | |
◊ Sees the stage manager as the main source of information |
| ◊ Pulls an all-nighter in order to get the floor painted when the stage is not in use | |
◊ Paints the separate panels of the floor in the shop and then installs them quickly during a dinner break |
| ◊ Will get out over the house in the bo'sun's chair, but will spend most of their time up there talking very loudly so that everybody knows they're up there, and will complain loudly about how freaky it was for the rest of the week | |
◊ Gets out in the bo'sun's chair, fixes the dratted instrument, and comes back down. End of story. |
| ◊ You will need to shush him/her backstage | |
◊ You will need to remind him/her to acknowledge your standbys, as they believe such nonsense is wasteful headset chatter |
| ◊ Actors generally get along well with techies, but may consider them to be frustrated actors, and lose respect | |
◊ Actors will fear the technicians, as they rarely intermingle and speak different lingos. However, the actor will respect the technician for their knowledge, and treat the scenic elements with more considecation because of this fear |
| ◊ Consistently reinforces your opinion that you are the smartest person in the world, especially when it comes to professional theatre | |
◊ Consistently reminds you of how much you still have to learn about professional theatre |
| ◊ Can become a technician with some encouragement | |
◊ Every technician started out as a techie at one point or another, they can do it again |
| ◊ Can be a highly valuable member of your crew | |
◊ Can be a highly valuable member of your crew |
you've been in the theatre too long when...
...Your weekend consists of Monday, and only Monday.
..."Q" is not just a letter.
...National holidays that fall on Monday seem pointless to you.
...You know more than one theory for the origin of the name "green room."
...You can only read in blue light.
...You consider the red part of the stop light "standby."
...You step outside and ask God to take the sun special down 10 points.
...95% of your wardrobe is black. The other 5% is dress blacks.
amusing links
backstage badger